You mean to tell me these feelings of existential dread aren't unique to me and we have a shared realization that we're unimportant vessels of chemical reactions? Let's do drugs and have sex in public sometime. You know, for the dopamine and whatnot ;)
CaptainJackTHAC0
Hey man, don't bag on Uncle Rico! That guy could throw a pigskin a quarter mile!
But seriously, great post. If your age is accurate on here, we're close in age range (within 10 years anyway) and I was brought up with the same mentality as you- "you can do anything you put your mind to," "you're sure to succeed and change the world," etc. I totally get where you're coming from.
I was in the "gifted" program in elementary school and separated from the rest of the class based on my grades and silly crap like that. In fact, I remember one incident in middle school where I was sitting with my friends at lunch (my friends were the kids who spent their time mixing massive amounts of ketchup, mayo, and chicken patties into a stew and smearing it on the seats next to them) and one of my teachers came over to me and said "Why are you sitting with these guys? Come with me, you should be at this table." And put me with the "A" students- I felt so embarrassed by the whole thing & went back to sit with my weird "D" student friends the next day.
But yeah, I had that "special snowflake destined to change the world" story drilled into my head from an early age and I totally bought it hook, line, and sinker. What did I know? They were adults telling me that I was special, so they must be right- right?
Ha!
Like you said, after college in the mid-20s I ran into real life and found that wasn't true at all. At the time I was obsessed with filmmaking, but I quickly learned that wasn't a viable career path. The 40 or so short films I'd made weren't worth a nickel to an employer so I ended up getting a "real" job.
My friends and family are either laughing behind their hands at how stupid I was or scratching their heads in confusion as to why I'm not the famous movie director they told me I'd be since about 5th grade.
At least that's what my egotistical brain told me for a few years until I came to the conclusion you reached- we are all going to die and none of it matters anyway. I stressed about not living up to expectations for the longest time, but finally realized none of it matters. "Nobody cares" or "Nobody gives a shit" were the phrases I found.
And I don't mean that in a depressing way at all. In fact, the idea was incredibly freeing. Nobody cares if I create a masterpiece anymore than they care if I create a piece of crap drawing or simply stay home and watch Netflix all day. They're more concerned with THEIR lives and how people will view THEM than they are with whatever it is I'm doing.
That was a great, freeing thought. Nobody cares. I'm free to create good art, crappy art, or no art at all. It's not like "the gifted patrol" is going to come to my house, shoot me, and set my dog on fire because I didn't live up to their expectations.
Same with the social media aspect- I used to be super fixated on likes, comments, reviews, and all that stuff because I didn't want people to think I sucked. I had something to prove! I was destined to be a star!
Now?
Couldn't care less! I don't read reviews anymore. Switched off the notifications so I never even see when they come in. Not in an egotistical "I'm better and smarter than you so I don't need feedback" sort of way, but more in a "I'm doing this for fun- I had fun making this so it doesn't matter if anyone liked it because I felt fulfilled simply by doing it" sort of way.
So I say: don't worry about doing something meaningful. Do what brings you joy. Do what you find fulfilling. If that doesn't make you any money, find a job you can tolerate and make your living that way while you pursue your art on the side.
And hey, maybe your artwork will impact someone and make their day. Maybe like the culinary artist it will be only a single person- but to that single person your art could change their entire outlook on life.
So don't be disillusioned! Sure, we'll all die someday and maybe in the end none of it will matter, but between now and then we owe it to ourselves to live our lives to the fullest and share our enthusiasm with everyone else. Ya never know- it could turn someone's crappy day into a slightly less crappy day.
Like I said, this was a good post. You gave me a lot to think about. Thank you :)
Emrox
I have nothing to add other than I agree/sympathize, but I also want to acknowledge that I read this and am happy to have made someone write several paragraphs today